Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Let's get loosewith compassion.Let's drown in the deliciousambiance oflove.

Without a doubt, I must read, all the booksI've read about.See the artworkshung on hooks, that I have only, seen in books.

You can’t imagine just how much believing in negative thoughts is affecting your life…until you stop.

Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn't mean you have to attend the performance.

Success requires, a human touch, intuitive powers and provocative thinking processes

To be an abstraction does not mean that an entity is nothing. It merely means that its existence is only a factor of a more concrete element of nature.

To experience real agony is something hard to write about, impossible to understand while it grips you; you're frightened out of your wits, can’t sit still, move, or even go decently insane.

Ry Cooder for me is a master, a great master that has a wonderful feel for Cuban music. He's also paid tribute my talent a bit, even though I don't know half of what he knows.

The character of a whole society is the cumulative result of countless small actions, day in and day out, of millions of persons.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?