Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A country that publicly threatens to completely destroy another nation should not be surprised when a preemptive surprise attack occurs from that nation and their allies.

I'm usually at home and in bed by 10 o'clock. I do not want to be out at anybody's New Year's Eve party.

The [Maicolm] Turnbull government's position on this is perfectly clear. We believe that there should be a plebiscite so that all Australians can have their say, and that is what Australians want.

I don't really believe in 'directions' in art; the rope twists as you follow it, that's all.

Believe and you're halfway there.

Lifetime is a child at play, moving pieces in a game. Kingship belongs to the child.

Politics is about putting yourself in a state of grace.

Real love makes you more of an individual. It does not efface your individuality, it gives you individuality. Real love is very respectful.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

The tone is in your fingers, not in your amp or effects.