Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Dominance is only for GOD.

If you walked away from atoxic, negative, abusive, one-sided, dead-endlow vibrationalrelationship or friendship — you won.

Could it really be this easy to land a handsome man? If so, why didn't I try it ages ago?

Remember, the IDF, the Israeli Defense Forces, have a working relationship with the Palestinian Authority security forces, which have been incredibly professional.

Discourses on humility are a source of pride in the vain and of humility in the humble.

It is quite common to meet people that live a few kilometers away from Mexico and that have never been there.

I've discovered all kinds of music and done all kinds of music over the past 40 years, from playing tango with Piazzolla to all the different bands I've had.

He stopped everything behind the plate and hit everything in front of it.

As a man believes, so he will act.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.