Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

All churches are an echo of this—the Cathedral of Nature.

It's a bad bargain where nobody gains.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

The state reserves the right to be the sole interpreter of the needs of society.

Whenever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure.

As the tree is bent, so it will grow.

Democracy demands that little men should not take big ones too seriously; it dies when it is full of little men who think they are big themselves.

Hell will freeze over before I send you any money for this unwarranted bill.

A pathetic shadow, torn between her envy and thrill of being seen with Masomma, sharing in the attention as a weed would, lapping up water meant for the lily upstream.

That monstrous tuberosity of civilised life, the capital of England.