Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When You’re Accustomed to Privilege, Equality Feels Like Oppression

You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry

I believe, however, that impending events will call us and we must respond but where, with whom, and how?

Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.

It would have hurt no matter who took you the first time.

You know Deets is like me - he's not one to quit on a garment just because it's got a little age - spoken by Augustus McCrae

They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind.

Genius is a plodding intellect, incapable of dreaming up the obstacles that stop the rest of us.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If I had a picture of two handcuffed criminals being booked, I would cut the picture in half and get five bucks for each.