Where there's a will there's a dead person.

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I like life. It's something to do.

Tell me then, does love make one a fool or do only fools fall in love?

You are small. Your foe is big. But your God is bigger still.

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.

I've been recognized very seldom. I think I just look different in person than I do as the character.

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.

Pilot season is always crazy because you audition for a million things, and really, in the end, it's not up to you.

Overall relations between the North and the South have developed in favor of national reconciliation, unity and reunification.

Don't worry, spiders, I keep house casually.

I do have a delicate side.

January gray is here, like a sexton by her grave; February bears the bier, march with grief doth howl and rave, and April weeps -- but, O ye hours! Follow with May's fairest flowers.