Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

He (Lincoln) recognized the delicate balance between immanence and transcendence, refusing to settle for either of these alone. His was a God who was both in the world and above the world.

We can trust the Bible because it points us to the most important events in human history: the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Quote of the day:"You are not a bad person.You are just a good person, in a bad place.

Every 'problem' we face is only a problem because of the way our mind (ego) perceives it. It is, in fact, not a problem at all but rather a lesson we are providing to ourselves in order to evolve.

I hate water. It's so boring. And it takes up so much room in your stomach.

If you want to achieve a high goal, you're going to have to take some chances.

The more gross the fraud the more glibly will it go down, and the more greedily be swallowed, since folly will always find faith where impostors will find imprudence.

Schedule in rest in any pursuit. There’s always another peak, but look back and admire the view for a moment. You have to actually practice that - it’s a balance.

Because I'm small, I've been called things from 'Happy Feet' to 'Little Face.'

O, how much simpler things would be If eyes could paint or brush could see.