While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If everyone only gave a fraction of the compassion their hearts are capable of giving... how much suffering could we alleviate in this world?

Nostalgia-- that's the basic sickness, and I never heard of a doctor who can cure it.

By the '40s, Sam Goldwyn is a very serious man. By the '50s, he's the dean of American producers. To the end, he was Hollywood's gray eminence.

Every ransomed man owes his salvation to the fact that during his days of sinning, God kept the door of mercy open.

The religion of Jesus Christ is neither new nor strange.

What America needs now is a drink.

Obviously, I think it was an aberration, but it is a reality. We're still a team that won nine games, but this one was a real shock.

Ceremonies are the outworks of manners.

The truth of anything doesn't matter anymore. What's right doesn't matter. What makes economic common sense doesn't matter. I'm blue in the face over it.

Maybe she, like me, would have loved the tiny details and inconveniences even more dearly than the wonders, because they are the things that prove you belong.