While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Patience is the only way you can endure the gray periods.

Doubts in your mind are a much greater roadblock to success than obstacles on the journey.

The world says fit in

It's not the size of the girl in the fight that counts... it's the size of the fight in the girl! -MISS MARVEL

Even the smallest act of service, the simplest act of kindness, is a way to honor those we lost, a way to reclaim that spirit of unity that followed 9/11.

I really try to say things as they basically are and it so happens that it is a good message that things are getting better, but there are still problems.

The best job goes to the person who can get it done without passing the buck or coming back with excuses.

Violence is an expression of impotence.

Habit is second nature.

The thing I would most like to see invented is a way of teaching children and grown-ups the difference between right and wrong.