While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Dixon was not unconscious of this awed reverence which was given to her

If only I can realize how ephemeral my life is, then I will never be able to hurt anyone.

I like to dance around the house when I'm getting ready. It gets my day going.

What's to become of the morally sound? Left out in the cold, I suppose. We must heal the sick.

I didn't write the book to sell the book, but to tell my experiences.

I'm just paid to do whatever I want to do. Some of the time it's development, and some of the time it's just goofing off.

[Scottish songs] are, I own, frequently wild, & unreduceable to the more modern rules; but on that very eccentricity, perhaps, depends a great part of their effect.

Do I learn through dark providences, or simply seem relieved when they are over?

Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a vampire.

It kept him alive, he was certain; even more, it kept his darkest of his demons at bay.