While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.

May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.

This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.

I don't seek revenge because the karma bus always arrives on time.

Hats, like first husbands in my experience, are usually a mistake.

Let pride go afore, shame will follow after.

It shows nobility to be willing to increase your debt to a man to whom you already owe much.

I try and take everyone's ideals, common morals, flip them around, make people look at them differently, question them, so that you're not always taking things for granted.

Have you ever known me to be rude to a lady?" "I have seen you be intentionally rude to a woman. I have never seen you be rude to a lady.

I think the US and the UK are gradually growing closer together in a lot of ways. They're inextricably linked.