While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

Being prepared not only reduces our stress level and keeps us from looking stupid, but it builds the confidence that other people have in us that we are dependable, reliable and can be counted upon.

I have enjoyed great satisfaction from my climb of Everest and my trips to the poles. But there's no doubt that my most worthwhile things have been the building of schools and medical clinics.

Self-Preservation is a full-time occupation.

But I also believe that a lot of gun owners would agree that AK-47s belong in the hands of soldiers, not on the streets of our cities.

There's a light, I still see it There's a hand still holding me Even when I don't believe it

I would work with any one of them again in a heartbeat because it was joyous and incredibly easy.

What kind of freak is this kid who's giggling hysterically with the girls in the neighbouring beds, each with a crush on the other for being the same age when the rest of the world seems so old?

Don't let negativity affect your vision. People say harsh things, but don't let them affect you.

Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

Time goes from present to past.