While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The Democratic Party of the USA would greatly appreciate your cooperation with re-installing Mr & Mrs Pinocchio into the White House.

I don't like my language watered down, I don't like my edges rounded off.

Being natural is one of the most irritating poses I know in people.

If you work hard, you have a better chance of producing something that you're proud of. If you don't, you won't. It's really simple.

I honestly don’t know whether I am describing something essential about the way we know God or merely my own weakness of mind.

Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.

D and D: a role-playing game played only by very cool guys.

Life is mostly freehand.

One is only happy in proportion as he makes others feel happy.

In fall-orbed glory, yonder moon divine, Rolls through the dark blue depths.