“Who are you?” One who has waited long for you to speak.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

...and gentle happy and peaceful, tasting the mean goodness of their living like the last of their suppers in their mouths.

Help us to forgive ourselves as we struggle in our process of forgiving others."~R. Alan Woods [2013]

Mr. McCabe thinks that I am not serious but only funny, because Mr. McCabe thinks that funny is the opposite of serious. Funny is the opposite of not funny and nothing else.

What do you think I'm a professor of? The little finger? (On offers of honorary doctorates.)

If you wear a suit, you can talk to anybody.

I thought, 'If you're going to be on TV, and if you're going to be out and glamorous, the natural look can stay at home.'

My disability is that I cannot use my legs. My handicap is your negative perception of that disability, and thus of me.

Every time you pick up an instrument, it's not always out of necessity - for a certain kind of person, it's a choice.

They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me.

Every word is autobiographical, and every word is fiction.