Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

If I were to live for tomorrow, I would have lived fullest for today.

he way up is through service, Sacrificial service - it is better to serve than to be served

The central truth that serves as the platform for Christian marriage — and for all Christian relationships — is that in Christ we are at every moment eternally loved and genuinely significant.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I do not think that winning is the most important thing. I think winning is the only thing.

The next big thing is the one that makes the last big thing usable.

...many of the officials, courtiers, and priests, representing the upper class of Egyptian society but not the royalty, looked strikingly like modern Europeans, especially long-headed ones

Can I read it? They really liked it when I did it.

Anything worth having is hard to keep, I love you like my coffee, so hot and so sweet. So, let's stick it out so we never regret it, I could forgive the past-but I never forget it.

You write a scene, and it works or it doesn't. It's immediate.