Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Suffocation is a cruel way to go.

Bring all your power out my friend, and throw away such Gods, such doctrines, such institutions, that impede in the path of human progress.

Thales was asked what was most difficult to man he answered: "To know one's self."

The failure of The Cable Guy impacted my career. I had to start writing and acting again.

The bowl landed, in glorious perfection, atop the head of Mrs Barnaclegoose, who was not the kind of woman to appreciate the finer points of being crowned by trifle.

There is the old boys' club, but there are ­people who are "conviction lobbyists" coming from the heart.

Nature reacts not only to physical disease, but also to moral weakness; when the danger increases; she gives us greater courage

When I'm at work, I'm remembering what I forgot to do for the kids, and when I'm with the kids, I'm remembering what I forgot to do at work.

Wars have ever been but another aristocratic mode of plundering and oppressing commerce.

I give extraordinary attention to military active duty, reserve and National Guard, and their families.