Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

But I remember one thing: it wasn't me that started acting deaf, it was people that first started acting like I was too dumb to hear or see or say anything at all.

For me, family has always come first.

We are all made up of star stuff.

There is a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.' - Boston, Mass., Oct. 3, 2000

Reason shapes the future, but superstition infects the present.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

Last night, we were all watching Harry Potter in bed, and I thought, 'This isn't something you have when you're single, that's for sure.'

Lord, take me from myself and give me to yourself.

We shall not cease from exploring, And the end of our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time.

Against a stupidity that is in fashion, no wisdom compensates.