Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Flaming enthusiasm backed up by horse sense and persistence is the quality that most frequently makes for success.

The loser is usually the one who is ready to lose. Fight, overcome difficulties, control your emotions – and you will win.

The kids just aren't the same today.

What do you mean fainted? Took a dive, kissed the pavement. Swooned like a southern belle after her first kiss. Had a dreadful case of the vapors.

I didn't go to high school, so I don't have a high school experience. I was home-schooled during high school.

My job is to go out and entertain the most people possible. The job is to make people laugh. I don't have a mission. I don't have a torch to burn.

You can tell whether a person plays well or not by the way he carries the instrument, whether it means something to him or not.

Books and movies inspire me, but I do my best to keep my stories as original as possible.

The secret of sound education is to get each pupil to learn for himself, instead of instructing him by driving knowledge into him on a stereotyped system.

Without God, we cannot. Without us, God will not.