Why anyone, by dying, should thereby be declared beyond criticism, innocent of wrongdoing, suddenly filled with virtue and above reproach escapes me.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

I needed something--the distraction of another life--to alleviate fear.

It 'appens to be true. An' if'n yew want ter stay moi friend, yew'd best 'old yer turpitudinous twaddle of a tongue an' listen fer once.

Admonish your friends privately but praise them openly.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

I'm the only person of distinction who has ever had a depression named for him.

We are all writing God's poem.

We need to make college affordable in price, and also have lower-cost student loans and more available grants for students.

Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion.

If all the theories were correct, there wouldn't be a fish left in all of our lakes and rivers and streams.

Everybody who comes to the EU as a migrant is basically coming illegally.