Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Sometimes dreaming is opening your eyes and looking at the world around you.

For Anne and our cub, for making me and my life less beastly

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

I would hate to be immortal forever.

Vice does not lose its character by becoming fashionable.

I'm very happy to be involved with great filmmakers.

The highest possible form of treason is to say that Americans aren’t loved wherever they go, whatever they do.

The good of the people is the greatest law.

I don't think of it as procrastination. I think of it as allowing my work to accumulate urgency.

Know that the mirror of the heart is boundless. . . Here, opinions become silent, otherwise they will lead you into errors. . . for the heart is sacred - even more the heart is sacredness itself.