Why are old maps always burnt?

Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?

If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.

I would say that I have a love-hate relationship with almost everything in my life, including stand-up.

Sometimes when Im nervous, thats when the most interesting things happen.

I feel like women are frequently seen as guests in the comedy world.

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

I only do private room karaoke where its just me and one of my closest girlfriends. My mom always said I could really belt songs out, and the Dixie Chicks feed that encouragement.

Im Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

On tour, its either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. Youre just looking for any proof that youre not completely alone.

Is it better to be useful than successful?

Some songs are just like tattoos for your brain... you hear them and they're affixed to you.

Remorse is sorrow over being caught and the pain of consequences that follow. Repentance is not being concerned for ourselves but having a contrite heart.

You have to get buy-in as a leader, instead of demanding adherence to management. Phil Jackson sought Michael Jordan's support before installing the triangle offense.

You couldn’t keep your mouth shut? I’m calling you Glitterhair from now on. Or Talksalot.

You can't be funny unless you're tragic, and you can't be tragic unless you're funny.

I'm not a war photographer. I've always dealt with the consequences of conflict.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Twenty-one already, and I still haven't done a thing worth immortality.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.