Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

I loved and lost and survived.

Forms in art arise from the impact of idea upon material... so that thinking and belief and attitudes may endure as actual things.

I have a fondness for jazz, particularly for jazz singers, Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald all the way through the Sinatra era.

My bikini, a pair of black high heels and a pair of comfortable jeans.

Don't grow accustomed to living with less, doing less, and being less to the point that you eventually sit back and accept it.

America deserves a nominee who reveres the law, not one whose service on the bench is conditioned on political promises.

If I were white, I'd get less criticism.

Im constantly being inspired by the old days and taking things from the past and allowing them to lift me up where I am now.