Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

people talking about you doesn't matter when you are in coffin, its only matter to you when you a alive to hear them.

Trust the Simi. She ain't never wrong.

I don't want to move out of bed." "I don't want to move out of bed either. Let's live here.

Jest when we stopped wanting to kill ourselves, we started to die.

It is proper Netiquette to provide positive reinforcement, feedback, for posts we Like. NetworkEtiquette.net

Kings may be judges of the earth, but wise men are the judges of kings.

I have spent my tenure in office - and, in fact, my adult lifetime - fighting for things that I care deeply about. And as anyone who knows me will tell you, I do not back down from tough fights.

Personality is more important than beauty, but imagination is more important than both of them.

It's like I have a loaded gun in my mouth and I like the taste of metal

Say a thing well and it will be remembered-and so too will you.