Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice, and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy in him. Proverbs 23:24

We're not quite ending where we began, but close enough.Close enough.

O for an engine to keep back all clocks!

Show me a good and gracious loser and I'll show you a failure.

I feel happy and secure when I'm on my bed with a good book... I forget everything which is terrible in our world.

I don't know why it's still a taboo to be a feminist.

Politics is a fascinating game, because politics is government. It is the art of government.

In golf, as in no other sport, your principal opponent is youself.

The savor of wandering in the ocean of deathless life has rid me of all my asking: As the tree is in the seed, so all diseases are in this asking.

Surely, anyway, a working day of eight or nine hours which is not split by a nap is simply too much for a human being to take, day in, day out, and particularly so in hot weather.