Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

We, as human beings, enjoy freedom of choice.Your attitude is your choice!

When you are busy doing something for God, God will also be busy doing something for you.

I'd rather change my dreams than live knowing four innocent men were in prison or hanged for a crime they didn't commit.

Only time will set you free, just like me

Of course some days are easier than others, but my worst day is better than being in most humdrum occupations.

To have Faith in Christ means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice.

Better to live or die, once and for all, than die by inches.

When we say, 'One nation under God, with liberty and justice for all', we are talking about all people. We either ought to believe it or quit saying it .

People are training for success when they should be training for failure.

You know, something happened to me when I became 70. I started to feel a tremendous love for the human race, and life and this planet, the universe, the whole shebang.