Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.

We're writing a book together. She just finished one. Did you read it? Among the Porcupines?

Get out of show business. Its the best advice I ever got, because Im so stubborn that if someone would tell me that, I would stay in it to the bitter end.

I never worked with Marilyn Monroe, but if she'd lived, I think she would have been all right. She would have been President of the United States.

War did not make a killer of me, although for a time I killed men.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti had a tremendous education as an artist and also an enormous knowledge of literarture.

If God is pleased in making you sick and unhappy, I hate God.

Newsman are the ones who - without them we don't have a civil rights movement, we don't have a women's movement, we don't have a Vietnam movement.

Know your lover and what delights him or her, but also what he/she considers inappropriate. After all, you want to whet their appetite and create excitement, rather than make them upset.

It is not part of religion to breed buffaloes or, for that matter, cows.

He only wished to fight and cultivate an anger toward me, thus alleviating his guilt, but I would not abet him in this.

Who does not feel that Nansen's account of his search for the Pole rather loses than gains in ideal satisfaction by the pretense of a few trifling acquisitions for science?

Weave, weave the sunlight in your hair-

It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy.