Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

There is no limitation to what you can achieve, if you can believe.

It is with our voices we remember, with our ears we understand.

Be conservative in what you do, be liberal in what you accept from others

What I like about cities is that everything is king size, the beauty and the ugliness.

For more than 30 years the Islamic regime and its apologists have tried to dismiss women's struggle in Iran as part of a western ploy.

We don't know what will happen tomorrow, but one thing is guaranteed-God's overarching care for His children. We can be sure enough of that. In a world where nothing is sure, He is sure.

The ancient Greek definition of happiness was the full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

You either have an imaginative mind or you don't. All of my writing is God-given. I don't write my stories - they write themselves.

The discipline you learn and character you build from setting and achieving a goal can be more valuable than the achievement of the goal itself

Maneuvering with an army is advantageous; with an undisciplined multitude, most dangerous.