Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

I wished to no longer hear the grayed bones crunching underneath the brush or feel the now inexorable fear that seemed to work its way inside my rib cage, rocking me at my core.

Yes, I still believe in God. That hasn't changed. I just needed some time away.”“Ah.” Inspector Carrola clicked his tongue. “For your sake, I hope that God does not need some time away from you.

Impulse without reason is not enough and reason without impulse is a poor makeshift.

Ask me who I don't dress!

When you lie down with a short prayer, commit yourself into the hands of your Creator; and when you have done so, trust Him with yourself, as you must do when you are dying.

My dad was a good man but an emotionally absent father, and so I had to look for that male attention somewhere else, and found it in a brother-in-law. He just happened to be an alcoholic.

Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain.

If we don't go far enough fast enough, the damage we inflict could take centuries to undo - if it can be undone at all.

Much of the work of every life is done in the dark.

Envy, like flames, soars upwards.