Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Cora, you can turn around now. Your virgin eyes won’t be offended any longer.

You’re being nicer to me than I've been to you lately, " I said."Yes, I am. But then, Hitler was nicer to Poland than you've been to me lately.

We hear nothing so clearly as what comes out of silence.

My parents loved me. My father used to carry me around on my shoulders. I know my father loved me. All families love their children, and we were good boys.

I went through two pretty dark years being fed up with the system and frustrated with my own party after two disastrous elections in 2006 and 2008.

The boxing game has been good, so we need to give back. We have to teach young men how to be men.

Titian, Rembrandt and Goya were the great painters. I am only a public clown.

It's not about what the equipment does, it's about what you can do through that equipment. That's where the soul is.

There is nothing in the whole world so painful as feeling that one is not liked.

Homosexuality is a mental disorder that can be cured through counselling.