Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.

Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.

Every child should be read to.

This is the best night of my life. And it's going to get better.

If knowledge is power, then curiosity is the muscle.

You can go to any small town in America, there's going to be a metal fan there. You can't say that about post-rock.

Only after people express their anger and sadness over the broken dreams of material prosperity will they turn to the task of building a sustainable economy.

Reason is 6/7 of treason.

I should have roared you down when first you told me your suspicion. But I wilted, and like a Christian, I confessed. Confessed! Some dream I had must have mistaken you for God that day.

In every person's life, around 27 to 29 years old, the stars and the planets align themselves to exactly the way they were when you were born. You're faced with yourself. There's no running away.

An inadequate chief executive officer's time at the top is always too long no matter how short.

Give yourself to the images which are, in fact, already there.