Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

I told you I was trouble, you know that I'm no good.

I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I'm really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.

If you're lost, you might need to swim against the tide.

I think we all have a role to play in life.

They say I'm difficult, so to put it simply....tell the world I never cared it was against me

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process.

The only way to change is to vote. People are responsible.

It's a very important thing to learn to talk to people you disagree with.

There is always something to be grateful for.

If I have an idea, I write it down, although I usually carry a little dictation machine with me because I'm too lazy to write