Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

There are over 100 entities in the federal government that have something to do with homeland security.

I was a personality before I became a person.

Yet she likes complications. She wishes she could turn and say: I like people who unbalance me.

You shouldn't hear the guitar by itself. It should be part of the drums... You only notice the guitar when it's not there.

Never break faith with the truth.

I have wonderful band mates that make music that I'm forced to listen to for hours on end until I come up with verses, and that in itself is an inspiration - they're awesome.

Repent or be damned! If you have already repented, please disregard this notice.

To sing is to pray twice.

It won't happen yet, Ellen mused, mashing cooked carrots for Jill's lunch. Breakups seldom do. It will unfold slowly, one little tell-tale symptom after another like some awful, hellish flower.

Whether you fall means nothing at all It's whether you GET UP It's whether you GET UP!