Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

A boy may be as disagreeable as he pleases, but when a girl refuses to crap sunshine on command, the world mutters darkly about her moods.

It is not God, but people themselves who shorten their lives by not keeping physically fit.

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

Text is, in some ways, on the way out, unfortunately. There are dating sites now that are just pictures.

By blaming others, we fail to find the real solutions to our problems and we do not carry out our own responsibilities.

Godly fear, faith, and humility is the true threefold cord that can’t easily be broken (see Ecclesiastes 4:12).

The ultimate search engine would basically understand everything in the world, and it would always give you the right thing. And we're a long, long ways from that.

To overcome evil with good is good, to resist evil with evil is evil.

I can be shy when I talk to women. I'm a shy dude.

I don't believe in God for the same reason that most people don't believe in Apollo or Zeus. ... God is just human beings' way of personifying an otherwise completely natural universe.