Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

The leader must have both – the courage to take the people to a daring destination and the humility to selflessly serve others on the journey.

If the sun refuses to rise we will make it rise

We could have touched the stars. Instead, you brought them to us. We didn't have to seek the heavens when we had you here with us now.

My philosophy from day one is that I can sleep better at night if I can improve an individual's knowledge about food and wine, and do it on a daily basis.

The bank...is trying to kill me, but I will kill it!

Life is one big question when your starin at the clock.

Me and music are not good friends, so I do my best to augment the music part [of my films] and come up with something worth watching.

No one is contented in this world, I believe. There is always something left to desire, and the last thing longed for always seems the most necessary to happiness.

Sometimes moving on takes effort. Sometimes moving on is harder than it looks.

The terror, which would not end for another 28 years-if it ever did end-began, so far as I know or can tell, with a boat made from a sheet of newspaper floating down a gutter swollen with rain.