Wit has truth in it wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Suffering shapes the life force, sometimes into anger, sometimes into blame and self-pity. Eventually it may show us the wisdom of embracing and loving life.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

If you subsidize apples, you get more apples; if you subsidize unemployment, you get more of it.

This life we live is a strange dream, and I don't believe at all any account men give of it.

True literature is more than just a story someone has told. It must provide the reader with the essence of the world on a moral, philosophical and emotional level.

For me, as I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I became aware of how on an instinctive level I made choices to cover myself.

You know, if you play on home soil sometimes funny things can happen and you have that push of the crowd.

Without involvement, there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it. No involvement, no commitment.

I liked playing in Chicago, and I gave them everything I had, but I knew in my heart I was a Red Wing.

Unbeknownst to a lot of us, our children actually listen to just about everything we say and, even more so, watch everything we do. They notice the choices we make and the company we keep.