With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it.

Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

I think your ambition for something changes as you go.

It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas.

It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up ,so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.

The Bible is the greatest book ever written.

The ego romanticizes the past to avoid the true romance of the present.

God does not save us to make us forget our heritage, but to complete it.

I guess I am attracted to older women. I'm looking for a 40-something who has had her heart broken two or three hundred times. She's going to be fun!

As a radio personality, I'm a public servant, we all should be public servants in some way shape or form. I feel like my soul purpose is to be of service to others.

Heaven must be a Kentucky kind of place.

In his 30 years of broadcasting and publishing fiction, Garrison Keillor has set the laugh bar pretty high.

I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion.

Channeling my inner bohemian in a maxi print skirt and textured denim jacket.

Values reduce to facts about the well-being of conscious creatures.