With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to believe in a certain way, and can't really get rid of it.

The endeavor to understand is the first and only basis of virtue.

A Christian is not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who is enabled to repent.

If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor.

My grandparents back in Kentucky owned a tobacco farm. So to make money in the summer we could cut and chop and top and house and strip the tobacco.

By perseverance, study, and eternal desire, any man can become great.

To put it as simply as possible - and this is a simple answer, not a total answer - I know when a painting's finished when I understand why I wanted to do it in the first place.

Yet through delivery orators succeed, I feel that I am far behind indeed.

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

A poem is the perfect place to celebrate imperfection and exult in the ways you fall short of being the person you want to be.