With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When writing a novel a writer should create living people

His heart was as great as the world but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong.

Time is generally the best doctor.

Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race.

Think tanks do have points of view, and they are absolutely entitled to defend them.

I'd sing with Roberta Flack in a taxi if you called up and said she'd be in it.

Who I am on stage is just an amped up version of who I am in real life.

This is really just a rental home for me here on earth, my true home is up in Heaven, and my hope lies in that. I'm here to live a good life and get as many people as I can to go to Heaven with me

Happy (if mortals can be) is the man,Who, not by priest but Reason, rules his span:Reason, to its possessor a sure guide,Reason, a thorn in Revelation's side.

I think you have to know who you are. Get to know the monster that lives in your soul, dive deep into your soul and explore it.