With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Today I’m going to pretend I’m dead. I wonder if anyone will notice." - excerpt from: freefalling

It is an understatement to say that in this society injustices abound: In truth it is itself the quintessence of injustice.

I made up my mind several years ago that I had worked very hard to get to where I am in life and that I was only going to do things that are fun and exciting.

We must constantly dare ourselves in the small things, until courage becomes a habit of mind that will serve us when we are unexpectedly tested.

On New Year's Day every calendar, large and small, has the same number of dates. But we soon learn that the years are of very different lengths.

I wish you could invent some means to make me at all happy without you. Every hour I am more and more concentrated in you; everything else tastes like chaff in my mouth.

I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him. 'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.

Today's Democrats are pretty much what used to be called moderate Republicans a generation ago.

I believe we came from nowhere. We show up, and we are now here. It's all the same. It just is a question of spacing.

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.