With humor, it’s so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Many Texas barbecue fanatics have a strong belief in the beneficial properties of accumulated grease.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Perhaps we've time to have a look at the Number Thirty-One bus queue before we turn in.

I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions.

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

Without speaking, one can win the trust of a person by one's conduct

Since God has been pleased to give us the Papacy let us enjoy it.

The Big Bang theory says nothing about what banged, why it banged, or what happened before it banged.

It is time that we, who are without kings, took up this bright thread of our history and followed it to the only place it can possibly lead in our time-the heart and spirit of the average man.

Compete with the immortals

The hardest-working people don't work hard because they're disciplined. They work hard because working on an exciting problem is fun.

Opera: I like it, except for all those howling sopranos and caterwauling tenors. (Why can't tenors sing like men?)

Success doesn't happen overnight. It's the small successes achieved day by day that build a company. So, don't be impatient or focused on immediate financial rewards.

I love winners when they cry, losers when they try.

I think it's really healing to see movies that are based on true stories. It builds so much more compassion and empathy.