With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The view from the mountaintop is reserved for the uncommon man.

I might say something in Spanish; it all depends on how I'm feeling, what the situation is.

Nobody ever outgrows Scripture; the book widens and deepens with our years.

I was a huge Della Reese fan, when Della Reese was on. I idolized all the panelists. I was in love with Kitty Carlisle. Nipsey Russell, Bill Cullen, Peggy Cass, Gene Rayburn.

To know how to think with emotions and to feel with intellect.

Face the past without regret, the future without fear, and live in the present with gratitude.

I'm glad I was never in a band.

Existence is not a mystery unless you think it has a meaning.

It's the Olympics. If you can't get up to swim early in the morning, don't go.

Life is a vast, unknowable movement of wholeness with no one separate from it and nothing outside of it.