With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If you work hard enough at something that doesn’t matter, you can forget for a while about the things that do.

I dance to the beat of the earth the memories are the lyrics I write nature leads my soul through this existence I call life.

My grandmother was a psychiatrist and had shelves full of medical books - I was constantly sneaking looks at some of those. I was fascinated by the descriptions of illnesses and diseases.

I do say no to things that I think are completely gratuitous.

How can the life of such a man be in the palm of some fools hand?

The Internet is showing us what it thinks we want to see, but not necessarily what we need to see.

Alcohol tells truth, but its truth is not normal.

My heart and my trust were in the process of collapsing. And that collapse created a vacuum in my chest.

There is nothing god cannot do.