With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

All the luxuries you name I have, still the peace I do not get.One day, my friend called me off, and I get the world to which I belong.

We humans are like squirrels who spend all summer gathering and hoarding nuts and when winter comes can't remember where they are.

Everywhere I look, I see the possibilities of what America could be. But we can't solve any of these problems by relying on the politicians who created them.

Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars.

Shut up and write anyway. Don't use anything as an excuse.

Nine-tenths of discipline is having the patience to do things right.

I dreamed of being able to share my thoughts and feelings and hopes without thinking they were going to make fun of me and think I was silly, and I have that.

The important thing is to learn through experience. The more you do the more you learn. I don't think anyone can teach acting from a podium.

Europeans know the importance of the Resistance; it has been the shining example of the modern conscience.

Only the smaller fish pay for the goverment's face-lift. The big ones - they just become bigger and fatter.