With stand-up you've just got that one chance. Audiences can be quite fickle.

There's a domino effect with certain things you say.

I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

We had a week off in the middle of shooting, but as soon as everyone stopped, we all went down with six different types of flu and other unmentionable diseases.

My forte is playing drunks down the ages. When my agent rings me about a role, I don't ask what the part is, but what century it's in.

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.

When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that.

I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

They look outside the windows of their apartment in town and realize they're not living in a terrace anymore. This is a room full of dreamers who like to go to London for a day.

I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia.

Anyone who values truth should stop worshipping reason.

The void inside me starts to fill, but my heart has holes, and whatever it holds will run out, leaving me empty once again.

The next time you try to seduce anyone, don't do it with talk, with words. Women know more about words than men ever will. And they know how little they can ever possibly mean.

Just remember, you never know what's possible until you risk finding out.

The best gift you can give a human being is an introduction to a God who loves them.

I suspect there have been a number of conspiracies that never were described or leaked out. But I suspect none of the magnitude and sweep of Watergate.

I always loved animals. And when I was ten, I decided I had to go to Africa and live with animals and write books about them.

I often say that ... I'm just involved in comedy, so I can be around it.

The end is inherent in the means.

At its root, this is what faith is. It is not believing in God. It's believing God.