With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sane is boring.

Self-distrust is the cause of most of our failures. They are the weakest however strong who have no faith in themselves or their own powers.

The maxim "Nothing avails but perfection" may be spelled "Paralysis."

The lack of faith is not doubt. It is certainty.

It can be demonstrated from history that no society has ever survived after its family life deteriorated.

The Savior can wipe away our tears of regret.

Science can be useful, or it can just get in the way.

People are always afraid of the truth.

The magi, as you know, were wise men wonderfully wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents.

Goodness, armed with power, is corrupted; and pure love without power is destroyed.