Women are using makeup to make their eyes look puffy, their noses look red, and instead of going to the gym, they start their day with a brisk walk of shame.

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

If we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.

We love things with biting - "Twilight" movies, zombie movies, eating.

Being a model seems like a dream job - lots of new clothes, cocaine, dates with Leonardo DiCaprio. But that's just for lady models.

I love Salt Lake City. It's beautiful with all the great outdoors around you.

We're excited for when Sony greenlights the $50 million film a "Bunch Of Swirling Colors" starring George Clooney and a lava lamp.

Buddhism - Tibetan Buddhism - teaches us many things, peace comes from within, we must be free ourselves from earthly desires...

The Olympic Charter says winter sports must be played on snow or ice, so the Chess Federation says they'll play with ice pieces. The Olympic charter also says sports must be sports.

The morality of art consists, for everyone, in the side that flatters its own interests. People do not like literature.

Motivate yourself, you can be great.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control; these three alone lead one to sovereign power.

I stand upon a block of stillness. It is more secure than any sidewalk. I bring with me my own sidewalk.

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside. I've finally found myself, fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am.

Many of the most highly publicized events of my presidency are not nearly as memorable or significant in my life as fishing with my daddy.

It's a whole package, singer/songwriter. I like writing but I like performing just as much.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Ministers and merchants love nobody.