Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

God help those who do not help themselves.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

If you are not a part of the solution then you must be part of the problem. I am done with problems here!

and now i am back in the grey world where it tastes like plastic, the monotony is buzzing through my jaws and the boredom is pulling my hair.

Some people who make it to where we are, life changes for them, they're treated differently, they're recognized. They're 6-foot-6, 280 pounds and people automatically know what they do for a living.

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

I'm not angry. Everybody thinks I'm so angry because I have a point of view. They're expecting me to just be all Smucker's Jam.

Such bickerings to recount, met often in these our writers, what more worth is it than to chronicle the wars of kites or crows flocking and fighting in the air?

I had a massive amount of self-belief when I did stand-up.

Prejudice and self-sufficiency naturally proceed from inexperience of the world, and ignorance of mankind.

If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train.

I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. (suicide note)