Women do not lie about their age. In fact, no woman ever has, its just that memory is the first thing to go.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

Son, my dad said, every man needs a bitter, resentful woman in his life. Because there's nothing more touching to a mother's heart than to know that her son thinks of her constantly.

Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.

There are only a few things that are more entertaining than watching a cat trying to run across a freshly waxed wood floor after a ball.

If a 6 foot tall talking Badger comes to your door with a great deal on health insurance, be certain to ask if it includes in-patient psychiatric care.

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.

And no one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves.

…if you will quit squirming about and be patient you will see that most things in life, wishes included, do not have immediate results.

Providence was well aware what lay ahead for me, and my Capuchin training was to prepare me for it.

Human life is proverbially uncertain; few things are more certain than the solvency of a life-insurance company.

The bell strikes one. We take no note of time But from its loss.

Our meeting, touching, accidentally connecting immediately, interwoven hand-in-hand, heart-to-heart.

It's the Government's job to print the money, deliver the mail and declare war. Now give me my cigarettes.

The next World War will be over water

As regards plot I find real life no help at all. Real life seems to have no plots. And as I think a plot desirable and almost necessary, I have this extra grudge against life.

Virtue runs before the muse, and defies her skill; she is rapt and doth refuse to wait a painter's will.