Women feel safe with me as well they should, because not only am I morally objected at going too far, but physically I cannot do it.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

For when you look at the ceiling, or down at the floor, when the trouble's before you, you're begging for more.

Memories are the precious moments wrapped in delicate ribbon. The ones kept dear are beautifully woven around our heart, the ones that don't hold the beauty of the ribbon, unties itself naturally.

It is a foolish judge who, before the evidence is presented, makes a judgement.

We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they.

People who know a lot of the same things can hardly help talking about them.

You have to remember the value of your individuality - that you have something special and different to offer that nobody else can.

The imagination is like a muscle: it strengthens through use.

I'm always in awe of accomplished people but never "starstruck".

Victory is not always winning the battle...but rising every time you fall.

I swim in a pool of my own neurosis. I carry love, grief deeply, like an Irishman.