Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Happiness is excitement that has found a settling down place, but there is always a little corner that keeps flapping around.

Comic books aren't nerdy. You'd have to be an idiot to think computers are nerdy.

Basically the children who watch it just see the little characters they love, and so they're not discerning about whether it looks great or it's a great story or anything.

Everything one records contains a grain of hope, no matter how deeply it may come from despair.

The one who is doing his work and getting satisfaction from it is not the one the poverty bothers.

Pretty much everyone on my iPod, I'd like to be friends with. But I'd say that the main two that I'd love to get into a conversation with, are Werner Herzog and Graham Hancock.

You have to make an effort to always look at the good side, always think about the good things. Then you've got nothing to be afraid of. If something bad comes up, you do more thinking at that point.

He missed her like crazycakes.

Twitter is about creating whatever persona you want to create and either sticking with it or changing it or evolving it or contradicting it, and I've done all that stuff.

God gives the exact experiences he wants them to have in order to shape the specific destiny he designed for them.